external validation
i told you it was coming :) hi everyone! if you read my last post where i hinted at this topic, you might have had a feeling that this was coming next…so, let’s talk all about external validation.
while there’s nothing wrong with a little bit of external validation here and there, we can’t rely on it to boost our self-esteem or determine our worth. why? because external validation is based on the actions of others, and as we all know, other people’s actions are out of our control.
and it all starts right from a very young age. we rely on external validation from our parents and teachers to help us determine if we are doing “well” in life. we look to our parents to congratulate us and say “good job” after we do something well or our teachers to give us a scratch-and-sniff sticker for finally mastering a skill. while looking for their praise is normal and in a way necessary, it becomes a problem when we rely solely on external validation as a measure for success and when we don’t listen to our internal voice to determine how we’re actually doing. when we rely solely on external validation, it can hold us back from expressing our true selves for fear of what others may think. and social media definitely doesn’t help with this. we get an instant high if we see a “like” on something we have posted and a dip in our mood and confidence if nobody likes it. social media is intensifying our need for external validation (a big no no).
as a perfectionist, validation has been a challenge in my own life. while i love to share my own experiences and missteps on this blog, there is always a little voice inside telling me they’re not good enough or that my stories aren’t worth sharing…that it won’t resonate or be liked by others. it takes a conscious effort to trust my thoughts and press post if previous posts receive less “praise” or response. but then, i remind myself that i’m doing this not only to heal myself, but for people to feel comfortable to reflect and grow or even share their own experiences and lessons that they’ve learned. it’s a communal space for self-reflection and with each post, we grow individually and as a community. and that’s what i remind myself every time my pinky hovers over the “enter” button to push down and publish the post!
okay…so, let’s work on this together! like how we reframe negative thoughts, we can also strengthen the skill of turning inwards instead of looking outside of ourselves for validation.
let’s start by looking at some pros and cons of external validation.
PROS:
it can boost our confidence as we can see ourselves in a more positive light
it can make us feel good and reassures us that we are doing something correctly and that we are loved and appreciated by others
it can help us feel more connected in our relationships with others
CONS:
toll on our self-esteem as we can start to believe that our worthiness is contingent on what others think of us
people-pleasing (trust me, as someone who has a black belt in people-pleasing and ruins almost every relationship because of it…this one is the worst) as you start to sacrifice your own wants and needs to please others
in general, it’s just not accurate and should not be paid too much attention to. again, other people’s thoughts and actions are not in our control (external locus of control…hello ap psych).
we have the facts and we have the convincing argument that external validation is mostly harmful. so let’s do something about it!
practice self-love
quite often when we look externally for validation, it’s because we aren’t sure that we are enough. we need others to tell us that what we are doing is okay, or that we are accepted. working on the relationship we have with ourselves is the first step to getting better at self-validating. if we look within with kindness and understanding, we begin to improve the relationship we have with ourselves and stop looking externally to determine how we are doing.
look at your progress
pausing from time-to-time to reflect on past achievements is important for our wellbeing. we often focus on the future or where we are lacking in life, but when we stop to take note of all the small achievements, we realize we are doing much better than our mind leads us to believe. look at how far you have come! take note of what you have learned! notice how much you have grown.
accept your feelings without judgement
negative feelings can often scare us and make us doubt ourselves, so we look externally for someone to tell us that we are okay. negative feelings (sadness, fear, jealousy, etc.) are completely normal and part of being human. when we begin to accept all feelings and understand that they come and go and don’t define us, we can move through them without relying on others to make us feel safe and secure.
look at your strengths
we all have natural strengths. take time to discover what your character strengths are (and yes you do have them), jot them down, and remind yourself of them often. with our minds going non-stop every day, we tend to forget what our values and strengths are. taking time to remind ourselves of them will help us feel more confident and valuable to those around us (try some sticky notes or if you journal, it’s a great exercise to write about them and discover strengths you might not be recognizing enough).
practice reframing negative thoughts
negative thoughts or our “inner critic” can cause utter chaos in our minds. quite often it will tell us that we aren’t good enough, that what we are doing isn’t of value or liked by others. practicing reframing negative thoughts can help us quiet this harsh inner critic. the more we practice changing a negative thought into a more positive and productive thought, the better we get at self-validating.
take a social media break
i cannot emphasize this enough. i recently deleted tiktok and it might have been the most eye-opening experience ever. i now have this habit of constantly opening my phone, scrolling to the page where the app used to be, clicking on gmail which has now replaced its location, and then realizing that it’s gone. it’s like my brain was programmed to turn on my phone and then automatically go onto this app. it’s terrifying! more related to this topic though, the whole “like and comments” culture after we post something on social media gives us an instant pat on the back for what we have shared. if it hasn’t been liked, then it’s not unusual to feel that what we have shared isn’t good enough, or even that we aren’t good enough. but, receiving a ‘like” for something we share isn’t an indicator that we aren’t enough. it’s all artificial!
taking a break from social media is SO good for our wellbeing. when we disconnect, we connect on a deeper level to what matters - our loved ones, our surrounding, our hobbies, and our connection to ourselves (!!!).
quite often we look outside of ourselves for validation because we aren’t sure we are enough as we are. we don’t feel safe within ourselves. just as it takes time to get to know another person, it’s a continuous journey of discovering who we are. the more we understand who we authentically are, the better we become at moving forward on our path without needing others to tell us if what we are doing is okay.
so…
acknowledge your accomplishments, no matter how small
give yourself credit when you do something well
be gentle with yourself when you make a mistake
seek out supportive people who will lift you, not tear you down
practice self-compassion and learn to treat yourself with kindness and understanding.
okay, call it ironic validation, but forget this whole post existed for one second so that i can remind you that you're absolutely amazing and you totally got this (not that you needed it)! ok, starting NOW, it’s all about intrinsic validation :) release the inner love!
supporting you miles away in freezing new york,
eliza
