hello, failure

i walk into stats class today. the test i’m about to receive determines if i end off the trimester with a b+ or an a-. while i won’t go so far as to say that this determines if i get into college or not, the academic validation, the peer pressure from my family, and the intrinsic motivation all want me to get this a-. i feel confident…i knew the material, i studied extra hard, and my friends and i had a little praying session beforehand, hoping for the best. i sit down, and my teacher immediately gives me my test back first. okay…good sign? he does the taco method folding as to hide my grade from the rest of the class. okay…bad sign? i flip it over. my heart stops. i failed.

while i won’t go into the details of how i started to cry in class, promptly leaving to have a panic attack in the bathroom for the rest of the period. or where after, half the school asked me if i was ok (my face blotches intensely when i cry), which cued even more tears. all in all, today was a big fat mess. so, as always, with my missteps and failures in life, i took the time to reflect and look back, and here’s what i’ve learned about this experience, particularly regarding the aspect of failing (and a little about the cons of academic validation).

failure

failures feel like, well, failures, not lessons or opportunities or things to aspire to, and they certainly don’t feel like successes. and yet, failure is inevitable. so, why do people believe that failure is helpful?

because, simply put, life is hard.

failure is like a wake up call saying “you will experience challenges. there’s no smooth sailing!” it equips you with the necessary skills and abilities you need to navigate through life. because when you fail, you are forced to think and come up with strategies on how to bounce back. in my lovely 40 minutes of alone time in the bathroom, i started to reflect on what could’ve gone wrong, how i could’ve better prepared, and what i can do in the future. without this experience, i would’ve continued down the same path, with similar study strategies and preparation, that most likely would’ve led me to the same result. here’s my look on it: you can’t fail if you learned something from it.

failure teaches you some things you may never know otherwise. and when something makes you fail once, it is highly unlikely that it will make you fail again…unless you didn’t learn your lesson from the first time. so while you probably outlined a path to get from A to B, when you fail along the way, try not to assume that it’s because you did something. it may be that your plan simply needs adjusting. or for me, it’s because stats and i just aren’t friends yet :)

a lot of people are married to the plans they make for their goals and only tend to pay attention when things are working. so, when thinks don’t go like planned, you assume that it’s because you aren’t good enough rather than accepting the fact that your plan may be flawed (maybe these are just my tendencies). doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results is not reasonable. so, find out what doesn’t work, change some things around, and remember that it’s all a part of the process.

we have it in our minds that success is this straight upward line, when the reality is it’s about as smooth as some terrifying rollercoaster (think kingda ka or some drop towers). yet, once we accept this rollercoaster ride, not only are we able to learn from our failures, we can also use these reflections to gain a deeper understanding of what we are doing and why. eliza…why aren’t you doing more problems from the textbook? eliza…why don’t you meet with him more often? eliza…why do you assume that you can catch up on all this work without anyone’s help after being absent for 2 weeks? you get the idea!

failure is like a muscle. you exercise it to make yourself stronger, so the more you fail, the more you are able to cope with it. and it’s important to remind yourself that no one on this planet is good at everything, especially not the first time they try. and even for those we perceive to have incredible innate talent probably still need to practice their skills, or they wouldn’t be as good. talent will only get you so far, but practice can take you further, even if you don’t think you have what it takes.

so…start with being kind to yourself (you are your own worst critic), think about your current plan, make small changes, and accept that failure is just another attempt at success. reach out to your support system (whether that be your friends, family, or me!) and when in doubt, journal it out!

academic validation

through an endless cycle, students’ standards are raised so high that the achievement is sometimes unachievable and the goal is unclear. it honestly is never truly about self-improvement—it’s about how others perceive your intelligence and if they deem you “worthy” of praise. the entire foundation of self-worth under the mindset of academic validation relies on the value of your work. therefore, if your work is below your self-set standards, your inward perception becomes skewed and you start to fall apart. it’s dangerous, unhealthy, and counterproductive; however, this pattern is unfortunately, a normal and common mindset for high school students to adopt.

the change starts within. for me and a lot of people who i’ve talked to, we have inadvertently tied our identities and our worth to our grades and sometimes i would look in the mirror after getting a bad grade and look away immediately, not even recognizing who i was anymore. yes, it got this bad. it can feel impossible to separate self worth and academic worth when students’ lives at school and personal lives are nearly indistinguishable. hours of homework bleeding into students’ free time inhibits the pursuit of hobbies and interests. this further prevents us from creating an identity not based purely on academics. 

while i clearly have a lot of ideas and thoughts on this (look out for a “external validation” post soon…) my main piece of advice for right now would be to validate yourself. build your own self-esteem, your own standards, and when your reach them, be proud of yourself! find that pride and validation you seek from others in yourself because when we start to look for it elsewhere, it may not present itself the way we need it to. what we may need to hear from others (like “you’re so smart. you’re so impressive!”) may be different from what we actually hear (like “nice”). so, who else is better to tell us what we want to hear than OURSELVES!? rely on yourself to make the goals, to reach those goals, and to validate yourself when you do one day reach them…and you will!

okay, this was actually incredibly helpful to simply let my feelings out. for all my high schoolers, please don’t stress yourself out about college applications and grades. i feel like you can already hear what i’m about to say (cue the eye roll)… “a number does not define you.” but, it’s true. you have so many other amazing things going for you. as long as you’re trying your best while still pursuing the things you love to do, that’s all anyone could ever ask for. so, if you need to cry your eyes out in the bathroom stall after a bad grade, do it. if you want to get angry at yourself that you didn’t try your best or you’re failing your “younger self,” do it, and then recognize how much you’re hurting yourself. failure is a part of success. we are human. we make mistakes. it’s a part of life. it’s a part of the journey. and it’s what makes all those future successes THAT much easier to appreciate.

try not to let it get to you. identify it and let it go. and remember, you will continue to fail unless you learn your lesson and make a change. and that change, comes from within.

i believe in you all. whatever it may be that you’re going through, you will come out of it stronger. and as always, don’t forget that i’m always here for you, cheering you on from new york!

love,

eliza