body image
i was in the middle of writing the let’s talk pt. 6 draft until i realized how important (and how many people asked me) about this topic. i knew i didn’t want to shorten it down to a couple of bullet points because this truly deserves a separate post.
this content may contain references to body image issues that could be distressing for individuals who are currently struggling with or are in recovery from such conditions. i am by no means qualified to professionally give advice on this topic and it is recommended that you reach out to a mental health professional or a support system for assistance. your well-being is incredibly important to me and i hope you approach this post with sensitivity to your own mental and emotional well-being.
we’ve all been there. perhaps you’re struggling with it right now, and that’s how you came across this post. maybe you’re taking preventative steps because you know that, even though you feel great right now, the likelihood is at some point your self-loathing is going to return once more.
whatever motivates you to read this, i think we should start by acknowledging some gratitude. first of all, from me to you, as you’ve decided to either bravely share about your struggles or for taking this step. it doesn’t matter if you clicked on this by whim, or whether you’ve been hunting the web for an answer to the question this title poses — you’re already four paragraphs in.
that says to me that you already possess the self-love necessary to believe you deserve better. you know that you’re struggling with self-hatred, self-critique, excessive self-analysis, and you’ve decided that enough is enough. you deserve better. or, at least, you think you might. that’s powerful. thank yourself for that.
i’ve struggled with my appearance since i was in middle school and despite all the progress i’ve made in so many areas, i still struggle with the same fights i had with myself at thirteen.
i’m sure you can relate in some capacity, but it’s important to note you don’t have to have been fighting with your appearance for years and years for those feelings of inadequacy to be valid. whether you’ve struggled for a decade, or whether you woke up one morning and thought “is this really who I am?” — your concerns are valid and deserve proper attention.
so, how do we reverse these negative thought patterns? how do we begin the journey toward self-love and acceptance? well — and you might be surprised to hear this — the first step is to give up.
no, don’t “give up” in the sense that you’re going to resign yourself to a lifetime of not liking what you look at. i mean “give up” in that you should say goodbye to this idea that you have to be in love with yourself.
you don’t.
of course, body positivity is a wonderful thing, but it takes time to reach that stage.
you can’t go from feeling actual anger over your appearance to loving yourself in your entirety overnight, or even in a week, or month. it’s daunting, it’s frustrating, and even if you’re initially charmed by all the beautiful instagram posts telling you you’re beautiful because your skin is made from stars, you’ll get sick of it all pretty quickly.
phase 1: embrace body neutrality
accept your body for what it is. a body. a human body that truly has nothing to do with how much you resemble a Vogue model.
look yourself in the mirror, and understand that your body does not exist to meet the capricious standards set by the beauty industry. those standards exist to exploit money from you — makeup, face creams, pills, etc. they aren’t objective and it’s all ridiculous.
embrace the neutral. accept your body as a body, not an ornament for decoration in an increasingly superficial environment. you are not here for display.
when you experience a cruel thought about yourself, acknowledge it as a subjective observation. that’s all it is. you have observed something, and you have attached a cruel description to it. others may not feel the same way or even notice, and even if they were to…that doesn’t make it a fact. i can’t tell you how many times i’ve lost my mind over an aspect of my appearance another person hasn’t even noticed.
we are all so wrapped up in our own fears and insecurities we scarcely notice another’s “faults” (though, of course, they are not intrinsically faults of any kind). a part of us may even long to see the imperfections of another so we may feel relieved that we are not alone in our shortfalls. it is a losing game.
we are reflections of how we treat the people around us. accept yourself and those around you unconditionally, and you will quickly begin to experience alleviation in the stress of your own insecurities. you will likely also notice how unnecessary it truly is to even make such judgments. honestly, who cares? lead with love, not with judgment, for both you and everyone around you.
phase 2: review and replace
whenever you experience a cruel thought about yourself, i want you to ask yourself some questions:
where does this negative thought stem from?
what purpose does this thought serve me?
am I more attractive for having this thought?
if you’re struggling with the answers, try this:
there’s a myriad of reasons why you may be having such cruel thoughts about yourself. maybe you were told a cruel lie about your appearance repeatedly, and now you believe it, to the point where you now tell yourself the lie repeatedly. maybe you’ve had a lack of positive reinforcement. whatever the reason may be, note it and name it.
there is no purpose to these thoughts. if anything, it steals energy from you that you could be using to create a more vibrant version of yourself. it robs us of our confidence, our joy, and our ability to love both ourselves and others.
no, you’re just more miserable.
once you are mindful of why you’re having these thoughts, you are better equipped for altering them. we all have our own reasons for feeling how we feel, so it’s impossible to apply a one-size-fits-all approach, but what we are all capable of is introspection.
look within yourself to find the root of these insecurities. why do you feel like you are worth less because of the way you look? were you bullied in school? perhaps a parent was less than kind about your appearance on several occasions, or a friend/partner repeatedly put you down even when you tried your best.
the purpose of this exercise is not to send you hurtling back into a dark time in your life. instead, i want you to understand that as long as you continue to repeat these cruel lies to yourself, YOU are performing the role the bully once filled. they vacated your life, and you took their spot with almost immediate effect.
you must try to stop betraying yourself in this way. you deserve better (you really do!)
so, whenever you find yourself lost in a negative thought, i want you to replace it with a more pleasant one. this does not have to be a positive thought about your image. enacting that may only deepen your insecurities, as it only reinforces the idea that you must look good.
instead of replacing ‘i hate my skin’ with ‘i love my hair’, replace it with ‘i am a kind person’ or ‘i am hardworking’ or ‘i am worth so much more than the judgments others make on my appearance and no amount of spots or bumps can change that immovable fact.’
we must start removing our appearance from the podium we’ve started to worship it upon. looking good is not the superlative existence. it’s subjective and it’s largely meaningless.
pride yourself on your merits of character, and how you may change the world by being fully present within it, as opposed to revering yourself for adhering to beauty standards that will only change in five years time.
phase 3: understand the root and get rid of it
i have hated my appearance, and in turn myself, for a variety of reasons over the years. from my weight, to my pimple-prone skin, to my hair — all of it has come under fire at some point.
what i have come to realize is what we all must learn if we are to abandon this obsession with how we look: that if you have decided to hate yourself, you always will.
it does not matter if you lose weight, or gain it. it does not matter if you change your hair color or finally find the miracle ingredient to cure all of your skin woes. if you have made the conscious decision to hate yourself then you are destined to do so.
this is because, upon deciding that you are unworthy of your own love, you will always find a reason to justify that belief. it makes no difference what alterations you achieve, you have already convinced yourself of your own ugliness.
as horrible as this may sound, it is easily fixed, and also serves to reveal a powerful truth.
if our self-hatred can be all-powerful and unstoppable merely from our believing in it, then our self-love can possess the same invincibility.
so, from now on, instead of pursuing self-hatred and fueling it as though it were an immovable truth, you must fuel your self-love as though it were the same. believe that merely by existing, you are worthy of incredible things. choose to believe that being here at all is a miracle and that how you look is the least marvelous thing about it all, because it truly is.
if you possess the power to hate yourself fiercely, you possess the same power to love yourself. do not let this go to waste. use your power mindfully, and use it well. the process of self-acceptance is a continual one, but that does not mean it has to be exhausting. from the moment you begin, you are ever-closer to your desired destination. let that future you be your inspiration, and keep moving.
i know i may have outlined it into 3 distinct phases, but there’s so much more to it than that. it’s a journey, a process — and a difficult one at that. with support, self-reliance, confidence, and acceptance, i know you have it in you to love yourself unconditionally. stay well, content, and optimistic. i’m with you fighting this battle!
with extra love today,
eliza
