let’s talk pt. 6
hello hello! welcome back to the let’s talk series. if you’re new here, i gather all the topics i’ve discussed with you during the previous month and compile them into 5 common questions. if you ever need to talk, click the “let’s talk” tab above! i’m here for you. always.
february is often a really slow month for some, so it’s important to be patient with ourselves and take things one day at a time. last month, most of the conversations i had with people were about self-image and setting up a proper routine and i think it’s really important to discuss both these ideas. so, let’s get to answering!
1. i hate how i look. i wish i looked like her.
it is very difficult to not compare ourselves to others. everyone has something about themselves that they probably wish they could change. and we’ve “accepted” it, but deep down, we really wish we could just do something about it. i often have found myself constantly comparing my looks to that of my friends and people on the street (who i don’t even know!) but we have to stop letting others dictate what we’re “supposed” to look like. you were created to be YOU. try not to be so focused on how other people think you should look, that you forget to love who YOU are.
so…why do we play the comparison game?
comparison occurs because we are filled with insecurities, shame, and doubts about ourselves. therefore in order to feel better, we start comparing ourselves to others.
we feel that if our physical appearance is better than that of others…we are better than them. and this, gives us validation.
the reality is that we will always find someone who we find more beautiful, and therefore we will never feel good about who we are, and it becomes this toxic, never-ending cycle.
the real problem is our inner critic.
ever heard of that voice in your head telling you that you’re not good enough? we fail to recognize that our inner voice stems from our past insecurities, mistakes, and experiences. as we are not secure in our own body and don’t love ourselves as-is we often find some flaw to make a comparison.
so, how do we stop this pattern?
1. accept yourself for the way you look
yes, i know acceptance in any situation is difficult, which is why this all takes time.
self-esteem is made up of two things: self-acceptance and the love you have for yourself. as soon as we start comparing ourselves to others, we lose touch with these important aspects of our own selves. therefore a great way to improve our self-esteem and stop comparing ourselves to others is by being kinder to ourselves. you have to learn how to accept the way you look. accept your looks with all the perceived flaws and weaknesses it has. start loving your body the way it is and appreciate it as is.
chances are whoever you’re looking at hates something about themselves. we’re human! we are all beautiful in our own way and we ALL have flaws. and why would you want to look like someone else anyway? being unique is your strength. i hope soon you will realize how awesome it is to look like and be YOU every day of your life.
2. shut your inner critic up
as humans, we are too harsh on ourselves by default. we criticize our own looks for no reason, but always find reasons to love others’ assets. we give space to the inner voice because it is comfortable and safe. however, this is not healthy as eventually we become overly critical of ourselves and feel miserable about how we look.
therefore, in order to stop comparing your looks to others, you have to start silencing the inner critic.
how can you do this? by being grateful for everything about yourself and practicing self-love. make a list of likes and dislikes regarding your personality. write down all the qualities that you like about yourself and appreciate these aspects on a daily basis.
3. practice positive affirmations
truth be told, change will not come overnight. it is a process and it takes time and effort in order to start loving yourself and your looks.
positive affirmations are one of the greatest tools for changing how we feel about ourselves and our looks. it’s a statement that you tell yourself to avoid self-sabotaging and not allowing negative thoughts to enter.
when you wake up, try looking in the mirror and saying “i am good enough” or “i look great today”… i know it’s weird, but you’ll likely laugh at yourself and automatically feel better about how you look. and thus, start loving yourself more.
try starting and ending your day with a positive thought (whether it’s out loud or on paper in a journal).
at one of the wellness workshops i attended, i was told a mantra for when i found myself having negative thoughts at someone who clearly doesn't deserve any negativity from me, and it really stuck with me. it's:
“may she find success and peace on her road. i'm getting success and peace on my own road.”
when you find that you compare yourself to others, remember that the power is within you to stop these comparisons. everyone is beautiful in their own way and everyone has unique qualities.
be proud of the way you look and don’t feel bad about what other people think or say.
the focus should be on accepting yourself as a whole. your friend may look a particular way, but your competition should be to better yourself every day.
when you stop comparing yourself to others, that is when you will be the happiest and will feel peace. i challenge you to take one week and affirm something you LOVE about yourself every single day, in the morning and before you go to sleep. it can be one thing, or multiple! let me know if anything changes :)
2. people say it’s annoying when i say sorry all the time. why do i do it?
i have never related to something more in my life. i once asked one of my friends to slap me every single time i said sorry — because it got SO out of hand.
as an over-apologizer myself, i’ve learned that more of a good thing isn’t always better.
over-apologizing can make you look less confident. it can seem as though you’re sorry for everything – for your actions and feelings, for taking up space, for your mere existence. these types of apologies are roundabout ways of criticizing ourselves because we’re essentially saying, “i’m wrong” or “i’m to blame” all the time. it doesn’t reflect self-confidence or self-worth.
over-apologizing is a common problem for those of us with codependent tendencies (that’s me!) it’s a symptom of our low self-esteem, fear of conflicts, and laser-sharp focus on other people’s needs and feelings. we also tend to have poor boundaries, sometimes enmeshed with others, so we’ll accept blame for things we didn’t do or couldn’t control. and we take responsibility for trying to fix or solve other people’s problems. we excuse their behavior as if it’s our own. we feel like everything is our fault. we’re very conscious of being a burden or problem. we’re afraid of rejection and criticism, so we go out of our way to be accommodating.
sound like you? this is where this problem may stem from:
people-pleasing: you want to be considered nice and polite. you’re overly concerned with what other people think and don’t want to upset or disappoint others.
low self-esteem: you think poorly of yourself and as a result, you worry that you’re doing something wrong, being difficult, causing problems, being unreasonable, asking too much.
perfectionism: you have such painfully high standards for yourself that you can never live up to them. therefore, you constantly feel inadequate and feel a need to apologize for every tiny thing that you do imperfectly.
you feel uncomfortable: sometimes, we apologize because we feel uncomfortable or insecure and don’t know what to do or say. so, we apologize to try to make ourselves or others feel better. it might have become a habit for you that you are doing unconsciously.
so now…what to do with this overwhelming amount of information!
1. know when to apologize
of course, there are times when we all need to apologize. we should apologize when we’ve done something wrong – hurt someone’s feelings, said or done something offensive, been disrespectful, or violated someone’s boundaries.
you do not need to apologize for:
things you didn’t do
things you can’t control
asking a question or needing something
your appearance
your feelings
not having all the answers
not responding immediately
it’s okay for you to have needs. it’s okay for you to have preferences. it’s okay for you to want something different or have a special request. it’s okay for you to take up space. it’s okay for you to exist.
2. how to stop over-apologizing
notice what you’re thinking, feeling, and saying: awareness is the first step in making a change. just bringing your intention to stop over-apologizing into your consciousness can help. notice when, why, and with whom you’re over-apologizing. pay attention to your thoughts and feelings, as well. they can be cues that you’re feeling anxious or afraid or inadequate.
question whether an apology is necessary: did you do something wrong? how bad was it? are you taking responsibility for someone else’s mistake? or are you feeling bad (or anxious or ashamed) when you didn’t do anything wrong? if you often think you’ve done something wrong, check out your belief with a friend and try to challenge this idea to see if you’ve really done something wrong or perhaps, you’re expecting too much of yourself.
rephrase. instead of saying “i’m sorry,” try another phrase. depending on the situation, you might try:
excuse me — “excuse me, i need to get around you”
thank you — “thanks for your patience”
be more assertive — “i have a question”
for many of us, over-apologizing is a bad habit. and like any habit, it takes effort and practice to undo a bad habit and replace it with a new behavior. so, don’t be discouraged if you find that over-apologizing is a hard habit to break. it is! but with consistency, you’ll become more sure of yourself and remember that you are worthy of time, attention, and space.
3. what can i do to wake up with a positive mindset for the day ahead?
our lives don’t need to be perfect to wake up smiling and happy for the day ahead; they just require a conscious effort to develop a positive attitude in the mornings, which is what the following five habits have helped me accomplish. and i hope that they will serve you well, too, if you choose to implement them.
1. fall asleep in your happy bubble
your happy bubble refers to a state of just pure positive energy (rainbows, puppies, fluffy cows, etc.) if you go to sleep in your happy bubble, you wake up in it. if you go to sleep not in the happy bubble, you wake up not in the happy bubble. the idea is that you go to bed thinking positive thoughts and feeling happy feelings and then you’re more likely to wake up thinking and feeling positive in the morning.
i know this is true because when i go to bed thinking angry or anxious thoughts, i usually dream that i am unhappy and then ultimately wake up grumpy (and exhausted) in the morning.
so, one day, i decided to try something new. as i closed my eyes to sleep one night, i scanned the day from the moment i woke up until the present moment when i was lying in bed, and i tried to recall all the positive things (even tiny things) that had happened that day.
i thought about the delicious iced chai that i drank that morning, the fact that it didn’t rain and that i was able to run outside in the afternoon, or the nice comment someone said to me at school.
i spent a few seconds remembering a happy moment before moving on to the next one. after scanning the entire day, i would do it again, trying to find even more subtle positive things, and i did this until i fell asleep.
this exercise is probably the number one thing that helped me (and still continues to help me) wake up happier in the morning.
2. have something to look forward to the next day
something else that has helped me wake up happier is having something to look forward to every day, even if i have a busy day ahead and have minimal free time available.
still to this day, every evening, i schedule at least one activity that brings me joy for the following day. it can be going for a walk with my dog, journaling, or watching the sunset from the balcony. it can also be as simple as trying a new hairstyle!
scheduling one activity that brings me joy for the following day gives my mind something fun to anticipate and puts me in a good mood in the evening.
and again, how the day ends is a good indicator of how the following day begins.
4. make a gratitude list — but with a twist
i’ve made it a habit to NOT check my phone when i wake up. instead, i write down in my journal three to five things i’m grateful for—and why i appreciate each thing.
i used to write gratitude lists of fifteen-plus items and do it very quickly—almost mindlessly—just to “get it done.” it made the practice sort of mechanical and not very effective.
i’ve found that writing fewer items on my list and taking the time to dive into the reasons each thing makes me happy intensifies the feelings of gratitude and makes the exercise more profound. i try to do this daily, although i do forget sometimes.
gratitude is perhaps one of the best things for cultivating a more positive attitude.
5. tell yourself it’ll be a great day
when we tell ourselves this in the morning, our unconscious mind then looks for things that are going right to prove that this is true. this isn’t toxic positivity—ignoring or denying the negative. it’s training our brains to see what’s positive instead of focusing on the negative by default (mindset!)
i’ve taken the habit of saying this affirmation (or a similar one) just after waking up and before opening my eyes in the morning. it’s a bit like choosing and declaring from the very start of the day what attitude you’ll adopt that day. it’s easy to do, and it sets the tone for the day.
4. how do i stop overthinking?
overthinking often involves two destructive thought patterns—ruminating and incessant worrying.
ruminating involves dwelling on the past:
i shouldn’t have said those things yesterday. everyone must think i’m an idiot.
i should have stayed with him. i would be happier than i am now.
persistent worrying involves negative—often catastrophic—predictions about the future:
i’m going to embarrass myself tomorrow when i give that presentation. i know i’m going to forget everything i’m supposed to say.
i know i’ll never be good enough for a relationship.
like all habits, changing your destructive thought patterns can be a challenge. but, with consistent practice, you can train your brain to think differently. here are six ways to stop overthinking everything:
1. notice when you’re stuck in your head
overthinking can become such a habit that you don’t even recognize when you’re doing it. start paying attention to the way you think so you can become aware of the problem.
when you’re replaying events in your mind over and over, or worrying about things you can’t control, acknowledge that this isn’t productive. thinking is only helpful when it leads to positive action.
2. keep the focus on problem-solving
dwelling on your problems isn’t helpful—but looking for solutions is. if it’s something you have some control over, consider how you can prevent the problem, or challenge yourself to identify some potential solutions.
if it’s something you have no control over—like how other people react/think/feel—think about the strategies you can use to cope with it. focus on the things you can control, like your attitude and effort.
3. challenge your thoughts
it’s easy to get carried away with negative thoughts. so, before you conclude that calling in sick is going to get you fired, or that forgetting one deadline will cause you to become homeless, acknowledge that your thoughts may be exaggeratedly (is this a word?) negative.
remember that your emotions will interfere with your ability to look at situations objectively. take a step back and look at the evidence. what evidence do you have that your thought is true? what evidence do you have that your thought isn’t true?
4. reflect
stewing on your problems for long periods of time isn’t productive, but brief reflection can be helpful. thinking about how you could do things differently or recognizing potential pitfalls to your plan could help you perform better in the future.
incorporate 20 minutes of “thinking time” into your daily schedule. during that time period, let yourself worry, ruminate, or mull over whatever you want.
when your time is up, move on to something else. and, when you start overthinking things outside of your scheduled time, simply remind yourself that you’ll need to wait until your “thinking time” to address those issues in your mind.
5. learn mindfulness skills
it’s impossible to rehash yesterday or worry about tomorrow when you’re living in the present. mindfulness will help you become more aware of the here and now.
just like any other skill, mindfulness takes practice, but over time, it can decrease overthinking. there are classes, books, apps, courses, and videos available to help you learn some mindfulness skills.
6. change the channel
telling yourself to stop thinking about something will backfire. the more you try to prevent a thought from entering your brain, the more likely it is to keep popping up.
change the channel in your brain by changing your activity. exercise, engage in conversation on a completely different subject, or work on a project that distracts you. doing something different (especially something you love) will put an end to the barrage of negative thoughts.
5. favorite wellness products
someone asked me, and i quote, “show me your amazon cart.” quite honestly, i was not entirely sure what to do with this comment at first, but after getting to know this person, i soon learned they were asking for recommendations on various wellness products!
before i give a long list of things i love/want to impulsively purchase on amazon, i want to remind you all that you do not need to spend money on things to make you feel good. take any notebook you have, put some stickers over it — and boom, your own personalized journal! take a walk, listen to a podcast — there are endless options out there at your disposal to make you content and at peace with yourself FOR FREE. but just for fun, here are some things i absolutely love:
jade eye mask — supposedly this makes you feel very zen
ice roller — i feel like i don’t need to explain myself for this one. it’s a need.
emotional support water bottle — i would love to buy an owala soon, but just in general, any water bottle is a must!
journal — there are so many journals out there, but i will always recommend this five minute one. my rec is also to find one that is aesthetically pleasing to you, because you’ll most likely end up using it more.
alarm clock — SO helpful if you’re trying not to check your phone in the mornings
sunset lamp — i feel like this just exudes happiness and positivity
jellycat — stuffed animals are a whole other level of comfort and security
candle — just yes.
i might have gone a little overboard with that amazon list, but i hope you all enjoyed and/or learned something new from this month’s let’s talk post. again, all these questions came from people via the let’s talk tab above so, never be afraid to reach out because i’m always here to listen and talk to you. i can’t wait to get to know more of your stories and hope you all are doing well. remember to look for the little things each day and build healthy habits! you’re doing great :)
xo,
eliza
