rejection (college edition)

this week was busy with college acceptances, deferrals, and…the unwanted rejections (i myself fall into this last category). after seeing a lot of my friends get into their dream schools on social media, some even into the school that i was rejected from, i was truly so proud to see their hard work being payed off and even happier to see the relief of them getting in (as this is maybe one of the most intense, stress-provoking processes we’ve had to experience thus far)… but it’s inevitable that through it all, i started to question myself and ask…well, “what did i do wrong?”

being told “no” is simply a part of life, but college rejection represents the first big “no” many of us may experience. and from my experience last night (and the gloominess of today)…oh my it’s emotional to see that rejection after all the work you’ve put into school and to this process. it feels like a big stab saying, “nope, this wasn’t enough.”

so, through all the moping and feeling like there’s something wrong with me, about an hour ago (after one of my many naps today to forget that i was rejected from my “dream” school), i thought to myself, “why am i so attached to this place?” or another way to rephrase it…why am i so attached to the name?

of course, certain names do carry prestige and matter to some people, but from what i’ve heard (and truly believe in), where you go to college doesn’t actually matter all that much. think about it…if a potential employer or graduate school likes you (your personality, your ability to get along with others, your work ethic, etc.) the fact that you also went to a “good school” is just icing on the cake. and think of it this way: would you really want an employer who is so status-obsessed that they only care about where you went and not at all about who you are and what you bring to the table beyond that? sure, a big name might open some doors, but are those the only kind of doors you’ll ever care about walking through?

the lesson i’ve learned…don’t attach yourself to a name. the ivy leagues, in particular, provide wonderful and amazing opportunities; however, the will and determination of an individual is what determines success. the ivy’s may be an indicator of success — but they do not just make it happen. it really is in the hands of the students.

therefore, give yourself credit for trying (which i know is difficult because you believe you deserve more than just a “participation award”) but in life, having the guts to show up and try really really matter! be proud that you gave it your best shot and give yourself time to feel your feelings.

dealing with rejection is preparation for life. use this moment to build the muscle. we envy people who seem to get everything they want exactly when they want it (a.k.a me last night scrolling constantly on instagram), but they don’t get to build the skill of bouncing back from failure and rejection, which is the key to succeeding in life.

now…what NOT to do (as someone that did in fact regretfully DO this last night): negative self-talk. this is so important: you’re not a “loser” and there’s nothing wrong with you. if you’re personalizing the rejection (“this means i’m worthless/stupid/i did something wrong”), comparing yourself unfairly to others (“maria got into XYZ university because she’s so much better than me”), engaging in only “black or white” thinking or jumping to conclusions (“i simply won’t be happy at any other school” or “if i don’t go to XYZ university, i’ll never be the person i want to be”), it will take WAY longer to get over this rejection than it should.

advice: don’t take it to heart! this process is a lottery, so you really don’t know what gets one person into a school and not the other. and it shouldn’t matter. be happy for those that worked hard and got in, and do your best to focus on other schools that you care about.

sometimes, it could be a miracle in disguise. maybe your best friend is waiting for you at so-and-so university? or a really special internship that is only available at so-and-so university is awaiting you? with time and perspective, we’ll usually end up feeling that we dodged bullets that we either didn’t see or didn’t want to see at the time. the same could be the case for you. maybe this school really wasn’t…the best fit for you.

remember who you are: “i know that no matter where i go, i’ll still be me. i’ll still do amazing things” remind yourself of your unique strengths and that no matter what , you have what it takes to do well and be happy. the college you end up attending won’t make or break your entire life. it definitely doesn’t have that kind of power over you. only you have that power. chances are you’ve already overcome some form(s) of adversity in your life, and maybe you’ve also had some pretty amazing triumphs.

remember your power. remember who are you are.

be open minded with this process. it’s difficult, and by no means am i telling you that getting over your dream school where you pictured yourself for years will take a day. what you resist persists, so if you don’t face/feel the feelings, you won’t be able to process them. write in a journal. vent or cry to a friend or family member. do what you need to do and slowly, when you know it’s time, pick yourself up and begin the search process again.

identify what you liked about your top choice and see if you can create or find it someplace else. what specifically did you want out of that college? was it the name/prestige (be honest about this one)? getting to live in a big city? was it the social life? be honest and get as specific as you can. now ask yourself: “can i find this elsewhere?” with a tiny bit of flexibility, the answer could be yes.

with time, this rejection is not going to feel like as big of a deal as it does today. acceptance letters from other amazing opportunities will come. and at the end of the day, i know you will get through this. it will be hard and painful for awhile, but your life will go on and you will adapt. maybe you’ll even be happier than you ever thought you could be. but, like relationships, things tend to go much more smoothly when the desire from both parties is equal and mutual. you deserve to go to a college that can’t wait for you to set foot on their campus, who has been waiting for an applicant just like you. and this school is out there!

for now, though, try to be there for others that have gotten in! sharing the happiness and excitement with them will soon become your turn. it will just take some time :)

i have so much faith in every single one of you that you will find a place that truly does feel like home for the next 4 years. stay patient, don’t give up, and remember to utilize your support system. as always, i’m here for you (going through similar feelings and experiences).

congrats to all those got in! you truly do deserve it (don’t doubt it) and i wish you all the best for the rest of your senior year. you’re in!!

sending lots of love, strength, and support to you all,

eliza